Words;

Some Possibly Useless Words About This Post

With this blog being a creative outlet in itself, I decided to use some words for this first real blog post, to write about...words, because they are magical and I love them. I love words. And I am just recently finding a lot more of them, speaking them out loud, and trying more carefully to use the right ones.

I may have failed to mention in my introductory post, that not only is this blog about sharing creativity, sharing painting and art splatterings and ideas for mental wellness - I am also selfishly writing for my own creative outlet, using this blog as a healing tool (So I just wanted to add that I may self-indulgently blabber on at times, simply because the act of writing is therapeutic for me.. also letting you know that posts like this one might be long, but I'll try not to make it too long.) I'm already waffling quite a lot.

I went to write this post yesterday, by first writing in my notebook, because that's how I like to write. In my notebook I started off with ideas I wanted to share about the power of words, and communicating them, and the act of choosing them and getting them out and getting them down.

Having brought my notebook outside (It was a beautiful day and the smell of paint fumes and the nerves from having a strange man (who wasn't particularly strange, just a stranger) painting my door in my flat, was driving me to fumey headache anxiety induced restlessness), I went for a walk, and sat in a park, and then by a river - and then my writing in my notebook digressed from the topic of words, speaking them, and then listening, and then listening to the sounds outside, and remaining mindful in nature, and then I did some drawing too, because I saw inspiring things, because I was noticing them, because I was mindfulling up.

So what was one blog post about words, is now potentially 3 or 4, to include some of the topics above.

So now I am just going to type out some of the things I wrote down and try and put them into some coherent order that hopefully doesn't waffle on too much, and remains relevant to the title of the post, which is:

Words.

Words Words Words.

I love words.

I already said that, but I just said it again.

I've already talked a little (now a lot, repetitively) about my love for words, and how Freedom of Speech is a wonderful gift to be treasured. 

Words are powerful.

They teach us, inform us, direct us, create pictures in our minds and allow us to share ideas. We can vocalise things that might otherwise remain somehow trapped and churning inside of us, which can become heavy if there is nowhere to put them.

Words are useful. We speak them, hear them, read them, write them, type them. They can warm us to the core, and they can hurt us deeply.

Here is why I am fond of words: stories, escape, books, reading them. Song lyrics - music, listening. Connecting. Writing them. The act of writing feels like a nice co-ordination between my hand and my brain, and quietens out the hum of my sometimes incessant and very annoying thoughts.

Speaking words out loud feels liberating, now that I am in a place where I can do that a lot more without stuttering, or losing my train of thought, or losing my voice because it got nervous, or losing the point of what I meant because I am uselessly and frantically brain farting out of my mouth.

Some of those things could have been enough to put me right off words.

All that mouth farting can get smelly. But here's what I've realised:

Words give us meaning.

So often, we are quick to use the wrong words. We thoughtlessly gabble about useless and unimportant things (much like I am doing now). We can be quick to regret things we might have said, or even question whether we did in fact say that thing, and did we actually mean it? Talking words without really thinking can make us worry later about how it might have come across.

Often we ignore the words of others, or talk over them, invalidating their words and placing our own to much higher importance. We might pay close attention to words that are hurtful, and fail to take note of words that are uplifting and positive.

Choose Words Carefully

Like I said, words are powerful. And with great power, comes great responisbility.

I am realising more and more, that we should choose our words carefully. I know this from experience, having done all of those silly word things listed above, countless times, and regretted it, and hurt people, and sent my shame levels into a spin. Also, as I'm sure is true for most of us, I have had many poor choices of words delivered in my direction. At times of vulnerability or mind confusion, this is especially never helpful.

You may be shocked to know that a lot of these poor words spoken to me were in fact delivered by health professionals, or people in positions of trust or care, who were there to offer me help with my brain confusion...Seriously, some of the things they said, were so damaging, and could have torn my whole family apart. Its so painful, I can't even begin to tell you. That's a whole other story for another day though, maybe.  It is also partly why I am passionate about wanting to improve services for others. But that again, is for another blog post.

I think my point, for now, is this: Rushing to come up with something to say, just for the sake of it; it's not really worth wasting words for that. They are special. Why the rush? Say what you mean.

We don't need to fill silences with gossip or useless waffle (although don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a cup of tea and a natter) - here is a nice word about that:

can you read that?

It's actually a card I made.

So now I'm digressing - this bit is not in my notebook - but did you know that other cultures have some truly magical words for things that we do not have names for?

The Japanese have a word that means 'to embrace the natural cycle of growth and decay, to find perfection in imperfection' (Wabi-sabi)....

'Pisan Zapra' (Malayan) specifically means, 'the time it takes to eat a banana'. I like bananas, and I appreciate that there is a word for this, since I am sometimes a slow eater and now I know that I am simply eating my banana in Pisan Zapra time.

The word 'Koromebi' (also Japanese), means something about the wonderfully evocative and uniquely magical sunlight that filters through the colourful foliage of a good leafy tree...
(you need mindfulness to notice something like that - which I am not that good at - but have been trying out, and I have noticed some lovely Koromebi lately)... heres a photo I took from some I spotted yesterday...

I'll talk about trying mindfulness
(and possibly Koromebi)
and why Mindfulness and noticing these things is nice, another time.

Back to the topic of words (English ones) having digressed onto more exotic ones - Often, we say words that we don't mean. And that is ok. It's fine to spout silly things and get things off your chest and have a rant here and there, or if you are like me, (I think it is okay, but it may be questionable) to talk to yourself a lot, repetitively say words and make them into tunes, or blabber on in a blog post - but there are certain moments when we need to think more about the words we are choosing, the way we are saying them, and our intention behind them.

I love words.

I have always loved words. Ever since I could read them and write them. Ever since I could hear a song and feel them and relate to them. Ever since I could pick up a book and get lost into another world. Ever since I could hide away with a pen and write and rhyme, and lose track of time, line by line. 

Words can be dangerous.

For a long time though - words scared me. They were dangerous. They were conflicting and overlapping, they blurred around my head, they came from inside and outside and were sometimes cruel. And I believed all of them. 

Saying them out loud was terrifying. For a long time, my voice literally shrivelled up. I could hear words in my head that didn't belong to me, challenging me on everything I said. A crowd of voices yelling at me. 

At points, even writing them down was too difficult. Writing down words that were clogging up my brain, which had once been my outlet, was too hard. Because I was giving the words so much power over me. If I ever did write them down, I could not read them back. And my handwriting didn't even look like mine. So many of these words remained trapped in my brain, whizzing around and shouting at me, noisy... or at times they were slow and whispering, dangerously alluring but not really making sense, I couldn't make them out, they nagged distantly in my ear, echoing through my bones....sometimes they stayed heavily sitting on my forehead, weighing me down, even pushing down my shoulders until I could not hold my head up anymore...

Words are not always true.

Since realising that these words in my brain, are merely thoughts (which we have hundreds and thousands of every single day), they have less power over me. Since realising that the effort of listening to them, and trying to bury them, deny them, and ignore them was becoming incredibly heavy, they have seemed lighter when I just accept them for what they are. Just thoughts.

About a month or so ago, after a while in therapy where I was still too afraid to talk - I was encouraged to write them down. That was hard...but I (begrudgingly, nervously, possibly crying, I'm not sure) wrote them down. Then I shared that piece of paper with just one person that I trusted (my therapist) with the shared understanding that these were just thoughts. Then I put that piece of paper in my pocket, and carried it there, instead of in a fog in my brain. Then I started writing down anything nasty onto this one piece of paper, which I still have not reread.

I would like to tell you that I have now ripped up this piece of paper, or burnt it, or performed some sort of naked dancing ritual to set free these bad things - but I haven't. It's actually still in my pocket.  But maybe thats ok for now - whatever it says, is not weighing heavily on my heart. It is just slightly scrunched in my pocket, which is not attached to me. And without reading it I know what is on that bit of paper - just words. Words that I do not need.

Here are some drawings I wrote, which basically say the same as that bit of paper:

The scrunch in my pocket has become somewhat comforting. But I think I will get rid of that piece of paper soon.

There are more words than I can count.

Here is another thing I cannot count:
The amount of times I have spoken without first knowing what i am actually wanting to say.
The number of thoughtless and grammatically useless and almost nonsensical text messages I have sent.
The number of times I have gabbled at 100 miles an hour just to fill an awkward empty painful space.
The amount of hurtful words I have managed to cling onto and believe.
The amount of hurtful words that have come out of my mouth.
The amount of times I have fazed out from what someone else is saying, and not heard a word - either because my own brain is louder and more enticing (sometimes dangerously), or because I can't hear what they are saying because i am just holding onto what I want to say because I might explode because I am and waiting for them to shut up so that I can say my bit, because at the time I think it is important, though usually it is not.
The amount of times I just have not listened.

That is more about Listening. That's also for another blogpost. 

More countless things: the number of times, that words have seemed meaningless. That words have truly failed me, in trying to summarise things that are out of my control and comprehension and way beyond of my pain threshold. The number of times that my voice has come out too small, shaking, that I have been unable to communicate what I mean, that I don't know what I mean. The number of times I have apologised for my burdensome ways, and really truly meant it - the number of times I have said the word 'Sorry', is surely into the millions. I have said it so much that the word has become meaningless. I spent years and years and years, apologising relentlessly, basically apologising for my very existence. 

It's very British actually. I think it might be bad for our self esteem. Sorry, but lets scrap that.  Why are we apologising?! Next time you go to apologise, consider - are you actually sorry? Do you need to be sorry? Are you truthfully saying - 'I endeavour to never do that, ever again'. Consider - have you actually done anything wrong? Do you actually need to be forgiven?

Say what you mean.

Make your apology really count - one day you may need to truly say sorry for something, and truly have to ask for forgiveness from someone. I'm not talking about asking it from God by the way. That's also another story.

Going off on a tangent here, again - on the topic of specific words - if you are someone who says 'literally', literally, all the time - do you really mean 'literally', or do you mean 'sort of'. Do you mean anything at all?

My pointless word is 'Ummmm'. Also, I've noticed that I actually say 'actually', a lot, pointlessly, actually a lot of the time. For no real reason, actually.

Let's actually say words that mean something. Obviously, there is literally nothing wrong or bad or shameful about using the word literally, actually excessively. I think my point is - notice. Just, be aware of what you are saying. It's funny what you start to notice when you become, ummm, aware, actually. 

Let's embrace how special words are. Let's take a little longer to say the meaningful ones when they matter. Let's choose them with care, and say them proudly. Let's say them kindly. Let's use them creatively, and make them meaningful. We can use words to hurt, to destroy - or we can use them to love, to be kind to one another.

Words and Kindness are a good combination.

Now don't get me wrong - I do enjoy a few zesty swear words from time to time to jazz up my sentences - and occasionally I have been prone to the ranting almost tourettes like spouting of absolutely filthy and extremely colourful words. Normally in moments of very red and raging anger. But thats what they are for isn't it? Swear if you need to. Thats why words are useful. I suppose we could work on some replacements for the highly offensive ones - but offence is usually taken, not given. 

What's important, I think, is the intention behind your words. Think about that before you start trumping naughty things at people who might not deserve it. That includes at yourself. (I'm talking both to you, reader, and also to myself.)

Choose your words kindly.

Words can be wise.

I don't think I am particularly wise, in day-to-day life. But when I am writing, I sometimes read things back that I wrote, and they are absolutely wisdomous pearls of wisdom, that did not come from me. They just come from my pen.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. We can create pictures in our minds with words. And what happens when we put well-chosen words and pictures together ? Surely then, they can mean something double?

I'm going to draw or write about that another time. 

I'd like to leave you with a particularly nice word, that I particularly like:

It is a word from South Africa, which happens to be the place in the whole world, that I have most always want to go, alongside India, broadly. In South Africa, they have a word that means, roughly, 'Human Kindness', but more specifically it means - 'I find my worth in you, you find your worth in me'...

I just think that is a perfect use of words and kindness together.

Also, if anyone has some good words to say ....

Also, here are some words that are completely made up by me, a year or so ago, during a project on my Textile Degree, which did not go down well with generally floral and pretty textile industry standards:

Also, here are some words I wrote with a candlestick one time, which I was using as invisible ink, which I wrote over and over again and I can't remember what the words said,  but that is probably a good thing. And then I painted ink over the top and now the words are a scribble:

Thank You for reading these words, reader. I hope they have not been too pointless.

Until next time, Shalom.

*Shalom - a Jewish word meaning peace, harmony, wholeness, completeness, prosperity, welfare and tranquility.


(Please feel free to leave your favourite word, or words, in the comments box. I don't mind if they are exotic, or zesty, or even if you have made them up yourself. I don't mind if you have drawn them, or cut them out, or written them back to front or scribbled them so much that nobody could read them. Use the words that you want to use.)