I wanted to write out my thoughts this morning. I tried instead to observe them and let them drift. I ended up
just sewing a word that wasn’t really what I meant. Stitching calm did almost
force me to be calm though for the duration of the embroidery. My blog post was
short after I deleted a lot of writing in case its not things I should write. I
never know if it is ok to share long posts or not. It is exposing but also
feels like sharing. If I just write things for myself they are just useless
words. They might only have meaning when someone else reads them. Sometimes I
look back at things I wrote and feel so embarrassed. If that happens, I will
delete this.
I get so afraid of saying something I shouldn’t that often
it feels easier not to say anything at all. The problem is that then all these
unspoken things are overlapping in my head and keeping me awake at night. Sometimes
there are two or three completely conflicting things that contradict eachother,
which makes it hard to speak as I worry about what will come out. Its easier to
stay quiet, or if I start to talk and there is something di in my head, it
feels confusing and I lose track of what I’m saying. I just stop talking, or it comes out as ‘I
don’t know.’ Slowly and with practice I am beginning to get better at noticing
when this is happening and trying to be less judgemental of myself when these
uncomfortable things come up. They keep
coming back though, and that is frustrating.
The main difference is that sometimes now I can notice unhelpful
thoughts before I am caught up in them. Sometimes by noticing I can stop myself
getting caught up in this spiral. I am
better at trying to distract myself than I used to be - like going for a walk
or a run or doing some drawing. Sometimes I keep myself so busy that I do not
have chance to stop. I’ll sort of remember in this flurry of activity to engage
in what I’m doing, and to breathe, and to notice the world around me. And for
brief moments I am really good at that. Sometime I even notice that I am moving
too fast. Sometimes I notice I am moving very slowly.
That is some of the
time, other times I get sucked into this storm, and it seems like I cannot move
at all. It seems to be like a switch that flicks more quickly than I can reach
it. That switch feels like I am floating away from my body and not in control
of what happens to it. It takes a lot of energy to stay present. Sometimes I switch the flick on and off
myself, because I have to. Either to function in a way I have to like when I go
to work, or just to switch off again. I switch on this part of my brain that
can do all the things I do at work. When
I am at work I have a job description and a person specification, and this is
the person who showed up to the interview, and I panicked before I started the
job that I was not the same person that had gotten the job, but I have tried to
rebuild her and now she is part of me. She is a better version of me, and I
would like to connect that person with who I am outside.
When I get home it feels like it was a different version of
me, or a few different versions of me. Home
feels safe, that better version of me (that has drained me of all my energy to
maintain) disappears without me giving it permission to do so. I get tired from
the energy it takes to maintain this functioning version of myself. I look forward
to my days off, and then I am finding it really hard on my day off to know how
to be or to make any decisions. I end up waiting until I go back to work so
that I know how to be again. It is hard to make plans as I find it hard to
stick to them and become anxious about which version of me will turn up on the
day. It also feels risky to make plans, because sometimes I have found myself
having to go through with something that feels completely against my values or
better judgement, and yet it is something that I have arranged to do in a completely
different mind-set, against my values. Sometimes I know what these values are,
and sometimes I have to think very hard to remember them, and they still feel
alien to me. I might still go through with something that I no longer think is
something I think is right, since I don’t like to let people down, and it is
difficult to know what I really think since a different version of me thought
it a good idea. Sometimes I arrange
things and forget all about them. And it feels confusing over whether I want to
do this thing or not. I don’t always know my opinion. I forget the things I
know. Somedays I can draw and write other days I cannot.
I drew a picture recently. It was a picture from in my head,
based on an idea we explored at a group I was going to. We had to come up with
an image of a ‘perfect nurturer’. I didn’t really get very far with this idea,
and to be honest I find the whole idea embarrassing. I don’t really know why, I
just felt uncomfortable thinking or talking about it. That’s why I tried to
draw it at home instead. Anyway, I vaguely came up with the image of a dog, as
I love dogs and they are comforting. I think it is based on my old dog George,
only much much bigger, big enough that I could lean against his leg or take
shelter underneath him. What I am trying to say though is that when I tried to
draw him, it took about 10 attempts to get him to look the way I meant for him
too. I tried drawing him on different days, and one day when I thought he
looked just right, I looked back on in a few days and saw he looked like a five
year old had drawn him. Another picture of him is a tonal sketch that looks
like I have studied art, which I have. Then there are some versions in between.
I have noticed this for a long time over the course of my studies and through
the variety of things in my sketchbooks, but this time with this image felt
very exposing. About a year ago I started taking on commissions for people. And
now I have stopped as I became so worried when my abilities to do what I set
out to do for them would completely disappear.
I stil have one job, an outdoor mural I started painting for someone,
half finished. I couldn’t bring myself to complete it because for a while I
knew I couldn’t paint the image that I had initially sketched for them. I’ve
told them I will finish it when the weather is sunny. The thought already makes
me nervous.
There are some things I wish I had been able to say out loud
recently, but I couldnt and it was easier to say I was fine and everything was
fine. I have tried to be curious about this since and I think I was too ashamed
or embarrassed or worried about not being able to explain properly what I mean,
or afraid of peoples reaction. I am not annoyed at myself like I might have been
in previous times but I am frustrated that I cant express myself the way I want
to when I have the opportunity to, and that I close off opportunities. I was
afraid of getting upset or angry or acting in a way that didn’t feel like I was
in control. This means that it is easier to stay in control and act in a way
that says I am fine and I have nothing I need to talk about. Sort of like a
protection.
These things still feel stuck though.
As I am at work a lot of the time, as many hours as I can, I
am functioning pretty well. It feels fragmented though from other aspects of my
life. I’m trying really hard to do things I know are good for me, and avoid
things I know are bad for me. I’m trying not to try too hard to think or feel a
certain way, and just accept myself and things and people and life as it is.
But that does not always work because sometimes I have to be someone different
and I don’t feel I get to choose. Sometimes it feels like I am missing
something that pulls all these pieces of life together. Things I wanted to say
still get lost inside of me. I try to let them go but they do not have anywhere
to go. I want to share them with someone but I am ashamed to do that. So I
wrote them into a drawing that no one can read, including me. And that has sort
of helped to get them out. I like to write this way because then all these
voices work together, and the words are not as ugly.
