Listen.

This post might be long. 

You might like to grab a cup of tea,

and sit in a nice quiet place to read it.

I wanted to write about listening.

Having written about words, and pictures, I wanted to write about how we can use words well. It is not all about writing them or drawing them or speaking them.

Listen.

Now this is something I am not very good at. I am not always a good listener. Potentially I am never a good listener. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by a lot of conversation going on, I can't focus. Sometimes I am pretending to listen but don't really hear. Sometimes my head goes somewhere else a little bit far away, people's words become distant echoes. Sometimes I just don't pay attention, and sometimes I talk over people. If I am too excited I am really bad for this, and probably a bit rude and talky overing. Then I feel bad later. Also people end up having to repeat themselves. Very often, I don't even realise I've not been listening, or for how long..just tuning in on the tail end of a conversation and nodding along like I know what on earth is going on. I probably don't.

My non-listening can be very frustrating for people close to me. And I hypocritically find it exhausting and frustrating when people don't listen to me. So I would really like us to get better at listening - I think it may be important.

Often, we can hear another person, but really not be listening to what they are saying. Sometimes we do not care enough to find out what they actually mean. Sometimes they might have something important to say. Sometimes you might have been the only person that they have spoken to. They might have really wanted you to listen.

So let's try and do that.

Practice.

I am recently trying to make more efforts to listen more. I'm trying to stay focussed on what someone is saying, I'm trying to not talk over them so much, and I'm trying to connect more with the words they are saying, not the words that are being triggered in my own head by what they are saying.

In a video I posted earlier, I  expressed an opinion along the lines of
"you all need to get better at talking a little less, and listening a little more."

It sounds a bit preachy. And I aint no preacher. And I am not really qualified to be dishing out such advice, so you really don't have to listen if you choose not to. Its just an idea of mine.

But I do think this goes for a lot of us, definitely for me.

I have just listened to this: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08fr634
It made me cry at points. I don't want to upset you...But I want to show you a story that needed sharing, and highlight the fact that by listening to the woman who is speaking so honestly, her words are much more powerful said out loud, given the time to listen to properly. It is much more powerful than if it had just been written down, and kept hidden somewhere. It is perhaps more powerful than if the conversation had appeared in a news article, which you might have skim-read half-heartedly without hearing the emotion behind her words.

Notice.

Now that I am beginning to talk more loudly and confidently (perhaps too much. Am I talking too much?), I am noticing that I feel more free. I am noticing that recovery needs both talking and listening.

Finding the courage to speak my words out loud - it's so much more freeing than ignoring them, burying them, being trapped by them, or frantically scribbling them, eyes closed, to never read again and to keep hidden away. (Except there are a few instances where I have found that useful.)


I can express more with my voice now than I ever could when words failed me, or when I could not find them, or when my voice shrivelled up to a squeak. Saying them more out loud, I am noticing much more lightness than I ever felt from occasionally just writing words down. 

And I am feeling more free, having said them out loud, not just to myself, but also to another human-being, who listened. I am free because I can speak, and I am free because I am heard.

I can hear in my own words, much more conviction and honesty, more life, sometimes more pain, than I was ever able to express before. And that is partly because a few good people have listened to me. We are communicating.

Not only am I gaining clarity on my words, but I am also, through my voice, able to share them. I am getting much better at communicating. Communicating is not only about speaking, but also, listening. Communication is half and half of these. Communication is helping me to feel a lot more...real.

I've noticed that I still say a lot of useless words... but sometimes I say some that, I realise now, I have needed someone to listen to. And having somebody listen, to really hear you, can feel like the biggest weight has been lifted. You don't have to carry it on your own anymore.

Listening Is Not Easy.

I can find noise difficult. I find it distracting, sometimes interfering, sometimes panic-provoking. On sensitive days, sounds always feel too loud. Noise I find most difficult is angry noise, overlapping noise, useless noise. Repetitive noise. Noise that fills your head and plays over and over like a broken record. Noise of adverts. Noise of technology. Noise of lies that keep lying to you. Noise of too many voices talking over each other, too many conversations, bits on the radio that say nothing useful but are only there to fill the silence (just play another song, please.) This radio chatter actually upsets me sometimes - I might have put on the radio because I just wanted music - a distraction - I can't be doing with more brain overload. Sometimes music is even too loud. Sometimes it musically shouts over my own shouting brain, and then it is all just too much. Noisy thoughtless words. Words that are damaging. Words that make you doubt yourself. These are difficult noises for me. These are things I find hard to listen to.

But they are noises that I still listen to too much, and that I want to choose to listen to less. The reason I can tell you about all these noises which are unpleasant to me, I think it is because I myself am really bad at listening to the right noises.

Listen to Others.

Listen to the World.

Listen to Yourself. 

(But not too much.)

About 5 years ago, I did a self-portrait project whilst studying Art & Design. My portrait became a short film animation about the noise inside my head. I only shared this with a couple of people, and was highly embarrassed by what I had made. I have watched it back and noticed, in hindsight, that I was listening far too much to my own troublesome thoughts. I also understand now, that I was incredibly frustrated at the time, by the fact that I had not been listened to. I felt like no-one could hear me.

This post is about listening - and this animation I made involves me talking - but it might be something you can relate to when I mention how I was listening too much to my own head. I'll share that old video with you now, if you want. (I'm not sure if it might be triggering or upsetting - for me it was a creative outlet - that's also what I want to encourage you with.) My voice in this video was the first time in a long time that I had been able to use it well, that I spoke more boldly, that I spoke without my voice shaking, or disappearing. It is only very slightly embarrassing to me now. After these years, I think I could do it again better - I am a better illustrator and animator now, and I think I can use my voice better. But anyway, I'm not going over old ground remaking things. You can watch it here:

Slightly off topic but, For creative outlets - a self-portrait can be a good place to start. It doesn't have to be good. You do not have to show it to anyone. It does not have to look like you. Just find or make something, anything, that sums you up, right now. It's just a way of expressing things, getting them out. Journalling is also a great way to quickly get something down.

I apologise for talking a lot. This is about listening.

Like I said, I am not the best listener.  When I made that film, I was finding it very difficult to listen to anything outside of a lot of inside noise, and paying a lot of attention to this, and letting it bring me down. But I was starting to begin to start to listen to the outside noise too. I've gradually been doing that a little more - and I am becoming ever so slightly better at listening to the world, instead of my teeny tiny brain.

 Now this is also tricky - because there are also, sadly, a lot of bad things that we hear in the world. A lot of things that make us angry or scared or that challenge our perceptions of ourselves. Lies can be convincing. It can be hard to filter between the helpful noise and the very useless noise.

 We need to listen, but find a balance. Listen, and make your own decisions from what you hear. Again, I don't think I'm very good at this still. I'm just practicing.

So, given that I am outrageously bad it,  I'm not quite sure what to say about listening, or whether you should even listen to me..other than I would like to say this: we should try to do it more.

This comes back to the mindfulness that I might have mentioned, I think it is through trying to practice this a little that I have realised the importance of listening; I've noticed more frequently when I am interrupting people, or when other people are not listening to me. Through just becoming more aware, that is how I have first noticed that I need to get better at listening. So I am just going to share with you something about listening - not even listening to words - just, listening.

Listen In Nature.

I've been easing myself into learning to listen, by first sitting in a quiet room in my home with 5 minutes to myself to see what I can hear. It is normally a ticking clock, a few distant sounds outside, and the odd rumbling of traffic, somebody bashing about in my communal hall way, or playing music extremely loudly, or some very shrill screaming from the angry lady downstairs (I hope she is ok.)

Now I have taken mindful steps by starting to try it outside, in actual life. I can be mindful outside! For almost 5 minutes sometimes! It is a little less predictable, also a little more interesting, sometimes more anxiety provoking but generally a little bit more exciting.

I wrote a tiny bit listening on that same day I mentioned where I went out for a walk to escape the paint fumes and panic, and I went to a park and then a river. The river is a place of peace and quiet and tranquility. I was sat here with my notebook, initially writing about words (which I have now translated into a different blog post, called Words, funnily)..then with the words, came me scribbling down notes on listening to words. I wrote this in my notebook:

'Listening.
Words.
How often do we listen to them? How often should we listen to them?
I don't know the answers to these questions
they are just thought provokers, I suppose.'

SO...that was not particularly helpful.

Then I proceeded to drift off in the dark and unknown depths of my own noisy and chaotic brain, and think and write a bit more about words and writing and listening, and ask many more rhetorical and pointless questions. Then I got really far and sideways into the squiggles of my brains - With the noise of my thoughts, stuck inside my body, whilst being outside in nature, I managed to first notice - notice that I was feeling lost and trapped and sideways. (For me, thats a feeling that I am familiar with - sometimes it lingers, sometimes fleeting. I've started to notice it more.) I started to notice the chatter of my own brain for all that it is; noise. chatter. I took a few deep breaths, tried to listen to outside of my brain. I made a conscious effort to do some listening here, at the river instead, where I had been this whole time.

I decided to actually listen.

Practice Mindfulness.

 I am very lucky and fortunate and thankful indeed to live in such a gorgeous part of the world. I had walked to a beautiful quiet spot by trickling water and surrounded my fresh leaves and sunshine smells and tweeting birds - but it could be anywhere safe that feels like a sanctuary to you - that is a good place to start trying some listening at first. The ducks have just had their ducklings! Turn up your volume and see what sounds you can find...

https://magis.to/av/PykiTEMDH1J7IyMEDmEwCXp2?l=vsm&o=w&c=c

This is a place I associate with quietness and calm. What did you hear?

I was amazed at how many sounds there are in a quiet spot, once I actually paid attention.

Here's what I went on to scribble in my notebook:

'Hearing and Listening are two very different things.'

'...Right now, I am sat on a bench. I'm sat beside the river. It is very quiet here. It is lovely. Mostly what i can hear, is my own thoughts. They are blabbering on 5 paragraphs ahead from what I'm actually writing here. And it feels a little blurry. I feel a little trapped in here. 

What happens when I listen?

I can hear birdsong.

A lot of happy cheeping and feathered fluttery chit-chat, from above me, behind me, and either side of me. I can hear the gentle trickle of the stream. I can hear the quacking of a duck and the splash of one of her ducklings plopping off the side of the bank. The ducklings are fluff balls of cute. And now I'm looking at them instead of my hands. I can hear the wind rustling gently in the leaves. The footsteps of a man and the crispy noise of his carrier bag coming towards me. That one makes me nervous. Oh, and a bicycle just went by. That was a smooth whizzing sound. I like that sound. I like to ride my bike. 

Distantly, I can hear a revving motorbike. Behind me is an allotment, and I can hear the steady hum of a strimmer. I can hear the tick-tock of my watch when I absent-mindedly touch my face and fiddle with my hair. 

And it is quiet here. It is peaceful. But it is clearly actually very noisy. But I like this noise. The blurriness in my brain bubble is subsiding.'

This little exercise made me feel a lot more alive. A lot more present. A lot more grounded. I think I was being what is called, mindful. It's taken a little while of practicing for me to be able to do this, for just a few minutes.

I would like to encourage you to take 5 minutes out of your day, to really listen. And you don't need to analyse or judge what you hear, just notice it, and accept it. And you might notice more than just sounds. 

I'm still practicing myself too, but this might be a good step towards also beginning to listen to others more too.

Back to my possibly regretful preachin':

We all need to get better

 at talking a little less, 

and listening a little more.

Somebody might have something important to say, and I want to be able to hear it. I want to be there to listen to them. What if they are trying to say this?

 or this?

Or even this?

That last one was quite a few years ago - no body listened, and it wasn't very nice for me to hear.

Let's pay attention. Let's listen, just incase.

Listen.

If you have gotten all the way to the end of this post, thank you so much for listening, (well reading) ! 

I'm glad I'm managing to learn some mindfulness. I still have a lot to learn!
I can never seem to stay mindful for very long!! The more I am doing it, the better I am getting at just being present without the judgement.

I am hearing new sounds that I hadn't notice before, and I am seeing a lot more beautiful things.

What have you been listening to? What are you listening to now?
is it a song? is it your head? is it some good words? Is it your own thoughts?


(If you would like to listen to aforementioned possibly useless preachin', from me, someone who talks too much, click here https://vimeo.com/220965075)

Let me know what you are listening to 

in the comments box below :)